Settling Disputes Among Children

Settling disputes among children is not always easy and it is not always clear to parents whether they should intervene at all.

When settling disputes among children, it is important to intervene before physical violence occurs. It’s about channeling the frustration and leading the children to dialogue with one another. You can find out how to do this here.

Do you have to settle disputes among children?

Resolving a dispute that breaks out among children is not always the responsibility of parents. The children have to learn that there is not always help from adults when it comes to settling a dispute. On the other hand, adults have to step in to teach children the “right”, non-violent arguing.

Conflict situations between children arise because they tend to confront their peers or older people, as is the case with various emotional situations or with a simple instinct for survival. It also happens that they fight with underage children to enforce their rule or their will.

The role of parents is fundamental. The upbringing of your children, whether young children or young people, on issues such as respect for others, boundaries and, above all, self-control of emotions must begin at home and must not be shifted to kindergarten or school.

Why settle a dispute?

Adults should always mediate disputes when physical violence occurs. Younger children tend to have sudden fits of anger. The disputes result in bites, hair-pulling, knocks, insults or blows.

As they get older, not only can children be physically attacked, but bullying can also occur. In the case of adolescents, violence can thus reach a more subtle, higher level. Puberty is a stage at which crossing borders is natural and almost commonplace.

We’ll give you tips on when and how you can settle disputes that break out among children of all ages and how you can teach them to develop a “culture of argument” that does not involve physical violence.

Use the power of words

The most important resource you need to give your children to avoid physical violence is the power of the word. Children should know that their first choice in a conflict situation that can become violent is to talk to the other.

Children should try to take rational action instead of using physical violence as a problem-solving tool. Of course, it is illogical if you yourself violently attack your children when you are trying to settle an argument. Aggression must not be one of your own punishment options!

Teaching by example

It is normal for all of us to have anger that forces us to confront others with it. How we control and manage these emotions is the most important thing. Children are the reflection of the house, so it depends on the emotional upbringing you have given your children.

If you yourself are an angry person who attacks and insults others, then you cannot ask your children to act differently yourself. Your “lived example” behavior will be stronger than any advice or recommendation you can ever give.

Promote common sense and calm

As I said, controlling emotions starts at home. You need to teach your children to act sensibly and calmly when they encounter a situation that could create conflict or discomfort.

Remember that while our human nature is animal, we don’t need to act instinctively and irrationally like animals. It is important to recognize emotions and to know how to set boundaries in these particularly tense moments.

Children are not the center of the world

Children need to learn that they are not always right or that they are the center of everything that happens. It is up to parents to make it clear to them that they are part of a collective of people with different preferences, in whom everyone deserves respect.

The purpose is to understand that what the children say or do is not always the priority of others and that it should not cause any problems.

Show clear consequences

Before any violent act, it is important that you show your child the consequences of his or her actions : rejection, hurting others, mistreating, hurting the weakest.

Children should foresee the consequences of quarrels. It doesn’t matter if your child is young or older: let them see the damage they can cause. The children gradually learn how to best accept a conflict situation.

Communication is everything

It is banal to talk about communication between parents and children, but this is really the key so that your child can learn many concepts for their life training and the resolution of their daily conflicts.

Talk to your child, listen to them and ask them the most important questions about their everyday life. That way you can get to know it better and better and give it the right orientations to address everything fairly and firmly.

Your role as a parent is a counselor

It is important that you know your place in this game. You are the one who has to impose order and set parameters for respect and boundaries. If you need to punish your children, do so firmly without forgetting that you are judging the behavior, not your child.

Avoid changing your mind or making your position more flexible if the child gets into a constant argument. If you are flexible in the face of violence, your child will grow up with contradictions, converting physical aggression into the usual form of reaction.

Children and young people have their own dynamic. Disputes between children are part of life, even among siblings. Our job as parents is to show them the way to address the issues depending on the age of the child.

Trust your instincts and train your children to deal with their emotions. In this way, they can grow into empathetic, rational, and happy children.